Mercy 2 Me

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." -Psalm 100:4,5

This Psalm came to me while I was lying on the radiation table tonight. It is one of the first scriptures I memorized as a new Christian twenty years ago. When we started having Thanksgiving dinners at our Valley Center home, I wrote it on notecards and placed them on the table. I still have one of the original notecards and I put it out every Thanksgiving. It is written in black magic marker on a lined notecard, not very attractive, but very sentimental. Anyway, tonight it came to me because of the line " for the Lord is good, His mercy is everlasting.." I had just met with a new Dr, filling in for my regular one who is on vacation. We immediately 'clicked' ~I asked her tons of questions and her honest answers gave me a great sense of peace. She was God's mercy in human form.

Treatment went so fast, I was bubbling with thankfulness inside. Afterwards, we went out for a great sushi dinner. As we left the restaurant and walked out into the warm Arizona evening, a full moon was coming up from behind the Rincon mountains.... awesome! He was whispering to me again ~ "It's going to be okay, Denise, keep trusting Me."

Day 17, Over the Hump Day

Thank You, Lord for another day to get it right, to grow in You,

to give thanks for the small things...

Lovingkindness

"Hear my voice according to Your lovingkindness; O Lord revive me according to Your justice." - Psalm 119:149

I had a much better day today, the roller coaster is inching back up. This pattern is at least getting consistent and I know for each couple of bad days, and a big dose of crying out, a good day usually follows. Thank you my dear family and friends for lifting me up to the Lord when I am too weak.

Not liking the ride

One day just blurs into the next, I accomplish nothing, oh if I could just sleep until this chapter of my life is over. I would like to say I am growing close to God and I feel His presence, that He is leading and guiding me... fact is I force myself to read my devotionals in the morning and my journalling is a line here and there and I am questioning and doubting. I am skinny, my hair is thinning and my lips are pasty. I spent 90% of my day today in bed either watching TV or sleeping, the other 10% running to the bathroom. Oh life, oh life where have you gone? Losing my positive outlook is the worst side effect of all. In my mind I know this is just a small chapter in my life and I will get through it, the rest of me is screaming this is never ending and I don't have the will or the stamina. I never have liked roller coasters... let me off Lord, please, let me off.

Meditation Homework

I had another rough day today, my poor little body... it is hard to be so lifeless and useless and deal with such a multiude of unpleasant symptoms and still keep a positive attitude. After I read the following scripture tonight I made it my homework. I looked up the definition (in parenthesis) of each 'thing' to meditate on, and then I defined in red how it applies to me. Now the trick is how to take it from here and apply it when I am burning, itching, cramping and feeling sorry for myself.

Meditate on These Things
- Phil. 4:8
“Finally brethren, whatever things are true (factual, accurate)
God has a plan, He loves me, I will be with Him eternally no matter what happens to my physical body now.
Whatever things are noble (dignified, gracious, righteous)
He is.
Whatever things are just (fair)
He rewards those who diligently seek Him.
Whatever things are pure (wholesome)
LOVE
Whatever things are lovely (pleasant)
Hugs and massages from Lyndee
Whatever things are of good report
This too shall pass.
If there is any virtue (desirable quality)
Tenderness, understanding, compassion
And if there is anything praiseworthy (commendable)
His love endures forever
Meditate on these things.”

I'll try!

-Amen!

Raised up

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him. To all who call upon Him in truth." - Psalm 145:18

*******

"If we think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts, we think rightly....Prayer is not an exercise, it is the life." - Oswald Chambers

********

I am happy to report I have renewed physical and spiritual strength today. I attended Lyndee's graduation from massage therapy school last night. She is a delight and I am so proud of her. Jessica delivered Madilyn Michelle at 2:57 this morning and this too is a joy! I don't have radiation now until Tuesday night at 6pm so four days to rest and regenerate. I am at Mark and Deb's beautiful home in Mesa and Lyndee is going to give me a massage this afternoon.

*********

"The Lord upholds all who fall, And raises up all those who are bowed down." - Psalm 145:14

Amen!

Better Day

Not much else to say...

Nasty Disposition :(

I am just gonna do it, write how I really feel right now... like the whole world is just going on as usual and my world has come to a complete, lonely halt. No one calls me or emails me ~ ('cept you Marjie) it's like I have the plague, and I am sure it's not that at all, you just have a life and I have mine, and mine just happens to really suck right now. I am stuck in the middle of my worse nightmare. I have no control over anything, including my wellness and including my mind, I tell myself to think positive and to count my blessings but in the dark recesses, it whispers back to me you must have really done something bad and you are getting what you deserve. Where are you now my God? Where are You when I am too depressed to read Your word? I feel guilty right now for crying for feeling sorry for myself. I hear Dr Ahn saying "if you have to have cancer this is the best one to have, it's the easiest to cure"... but why do I have to have that stupid C word in my life? I don't want it! I don't want that label! I don't want to be tough and don't want to wear a stupid pink ribbon or act courageous. If this is a test, I fail, If this is a race I'm running out of the energy to finish, just go on life, go on ~ I don't remember what it's like to wake up with vitality and looking forward to my day, I wake up going sh__, I am not even half way done with this, how on earth am I going to do it? My little body is frail and my will power is even frailer. I miss Mike so much right now, I need him to hold me. I've never needed a hug more than I do right now, guess that strong willed and self reliant spirit has been broken. Now what, God?

Easier said than done!

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

"Do not be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Jesus Christ." -Philippians 4:6,7

A whisper in the breeze

I am praying tonight for someone I have never met, I don't even know her name. I came upon her blog last night. It was linked to the word Dayville because her husband died a year ago in a helicopter crash while logging just outside of town. The logging crew was staying at our place and we hadn't met this pilot, he was just filling in so the regular pilot could have a rest. This women writes anonymously and she is so deep in grief it is really heart wrenching. Her blog address is http://bluleader.blogspot.com if you care to visit it and pray for her too.

Thanks for caring enough about me to visit my blog and pray for me. I really am doing okay ~ the days are long as I don't have a job or purpose and I am not used to that ~ I certainly am fortunate to have such a beautiful place to stay, so close to treatment and nestled in the foothills of the most awesome mountain range, the Catalina's. I was just outside looking at the city lights with a warm desert breeze blowing on me, it seemed to be saying "everything is going to be okay, breathe and believe."

Give Thanks

"It so amazes me how God has orchestrated that one of the toughest times of my life be filled with such rich blessings at the same time." -me

That is a line from a thank you card I wrote tonight to a lovely women that sits behind me in church in Sunsites. She has given me gifts and lots of hugs and offered to cook for me and has just made me feel so welcome.

Mom and Paul accompanied me to Sunsites and church today and it was a lovely day. I feel quite well and I know I am redundant, but I am so thankful. As I was walking back here to my room, I was thinking about my kids, Dane is buying his first house, he is happy and responsible... Lyndee graduates this week from massage therapy school ~ she is passionate about it and great at it!... Mike is handling the Inn so well and never makes me feel like he is being put out to have to do it by himself. These things are all such blessings and make my healing journey as stress free as it could possibly be.

"Give thanks with a grateful heart, give thanks to the Holy One, give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ His son. And now let the weak say I am strong, let the poor say I am rich because of what the Lord has done for us. Give thanks."

Salty :{

"There is only one way to develop spritiually, and that is by concentration on God...pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water." -Oswald Chambers

I was very short with the nurse and Dr. Cohen tonight during a quick exam before my radiation treatment. I ask so many questions and I answer theirs in a tone that implies "you don't really want to know, you are just filling in the blanks.." I just am so distrusting. They are always so quick to want to perscribe things to cover symptoms. I hate the poisoning of the chemo and don't want any other chemicals in me if I can possibly avoid it. Dr. Cohen is very patient with me :) Once on the treatment table and in prayer mode I found myself anxious and regretful for my attitude and it hindered my peaceful prayer time. I know a positive attitude will assist my healing and an anxious one is counter-productive :( I would have to say that my "living water" was a bit salty tonight if it even flowed at all.... and the refining process continues....

"But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similtude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring can yield both salt water and fresh." -James 3:8-12

If you want to capture someones attention.....

"In the day when I cried out, You answered me,

And made me bold with strength in my soul." -Psalm 138:3

I wonder what the people I've encountered lately think of my boldness for the Lord? I told the radiation girls that I use my time lying there to pray. It is really much more important to let my actions speak, rather than my words. People believe what you do much more than what you say. Proverbs says "a word spoken in due season, how good it is" I have penciled in the margin "timing". I pray this evening that the 'strength in my soul' that wants to shout from the mountain tops, will instead be a soft and wise voice that is listening for God's timing.

Thankfulness = Wellness

I had a very good day today and I am so very thankful ...

Crumbs for thought

"We are here to submit to God's will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured out wine to feed and nourish others." -Oswald Chambers

One has to wonder why God gives us such strong wills when He desires that we submit to His will? There is certainly no one line answer to that question. Back when I was 19 and in a body cast and recovering from that face smashing, I started journalling and asking "why me?" I knew, somewhere deep within me, that there was a silver lining, a purpose, that I would perhaps become more compassionate. He was beginning the process of making me into "broken bread" even though I had no relationship with Him yet. I remained strong willed and self reliant, but as I look back it was His first tapping on my heart... (perhaps a few crumbs?) I trust that if you are reading this you already know my story of salvation ten years later when Doreen died. I began an earnest relationship with God then, and over the last 20 years I have wanted to feed and nourish others, but I've remained strong willed and self reliant. Some might say these are admirable qualities, I sure thought they were. Tonight I see things differently. My prayer is that my heart is open to God's will, that He will reveal Himself to me and through me. If I appear strong let it be because of Him. There is a song about being 'broken and beautiful', I think I am beginning to grasp the meaning.

Week two begins

We are back in Tucson, had my 6 pm radiation treatment. Not sure what to write about tonight, guess I will share the prayer I wrote in my journal this morning...

"Lord, help me to seek You in a right and fitting manner, to be able to know Your voice when You speak and to learn and to grow. Please help squelch my fear of physical discomfort - teach me how to release myself to You entirely." -Amen.

I feel a bit better physically tonight, my mouth is my biggest discomfort ~ on the flip side of that, I am feeling thankful and peaceful and loved.

Refining tears

I didn't do my usual daily reading and Bible study today. We did go to church, which I pretty much cried through. I had been holding in a really good cry, not realizing that I expected to sail through this with dignity and grace because I am fit and I am tough and I trust God and I, I, I... I yi yi yi..... ! Reality check! I hate feeling weak and out of control of my own destiny, I hate people to see me as sick and I hate being pitied. But, reality check #2... It feels really good to have people love me and when I am weak, then He is strong and He wants me to know this and live it, not say I know it. And the refining process continues.....

Resting

"Life's challenges are not designed to break us but to bend us toward God."

We are back in Sunsites, feels good to be home. I have been laying low, little energy, kind of thought I was going to feel better than this... got the grass and roses watered and watched golf on TV that's about the extent of my day. Deb takes Zander for his walks and waits on me :) Dane sent me a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day and they were waiting for me here, as was a big stack of bills. Hugs and thanks to you for reading my blog and continuing to lift me in prayer.

Physical Step, Spiritual Step

"For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." -Matt. 6:8

One week down! And I now have until 6 PM Monday without any treatment :) A chance for my body to regroup a little. I look forward to not feeling the chemo in my body; the taste in my mouth, the funny feeling in my lungs... I suppose the general feeling of being tired will continue throughout treatment, but the other side effects now will be localized to the area. I felt wasteful going out to dinner and then not eating my meal tonight :( I do feel fortunate to have had the energy to go. I am learning to use my radiation time as prayer time. One can say "I'll pray about it" and that is the prayer ~ that line. I decided a few years ago that I wasn't going to say that and then not pray. I usually write my prayer requests in my journal but this is teaching me to methodically and patiently lift people and situations to God and to stay focused. This must be a part of His plan for my growth. As the scripture above says, He already knows... it's my heart and mind coming into union with Him that He wants.

No Words

"When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to 'be strong.' Just 'be still, and know that [He is] God.' And know that he will sustain you and bring you through the fire. God reserves His best medicine for our times of deepest despair." -Streams in the Desert pg. 188

I had to totally go to that frame of mind yesterday and just give every ounce of myself to God, let Him hold me... I was as close as I have ever been to 'my deepest despair'... I don't think I even believed He could or would bring me through it, I had no where else to turn! I fell asleep last night doubting I could endure, I remember just trying relax in His arms and breathe, I had no words for prayer.

I awoke this morning feeling a little hopeful and as the day progressed I have increasingly felt stronger. I get rid of the chemo pump tomorrow. Lyndee is here and Deb and Mom and Paul have been the best prayer warriors and care givers. I realize this is just the beginning of a long battle and more struggles will come, but I made it through this one and I know where to turn when even the words are gone.

"If God brings you to it,

He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God."

Valleys Connect Mountains

How is my faith when I am in the valley? Will I continue to praise You and seek You and trust that this is Your plan for me, Lord? It's hard to believe I became so helpless and debilitated in just three days. I feel the poisoning effects of the chemo and not the healing effects, it's hard to see the big picture at this point. I want to believe this is the right way to go but with every pump I hear of the chemo, my body literally cringes, my heart beat becomes irregular, my breathing labored, my head hurts, even my teeth hurt, I am light headed and the list goes on. I understand the zapping of the tumor with the radiation but this chemical killing the strong parts of me just doesn't feel right! Oh Lord You have prepared me for months for this, I cry out to You now to show me a glimpse of the plan, to give me wisdom to remain strong. to see the light at the end of the tunnel, not to fear the tunnel, or how long and dark the tunnel may be. My journal entry yesterday was "Everything Has It's Time" Ecc. 3: 1-8 ... I won't type it all out but it starts with "To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven..." Use this season in my life, Lord, for Your purpose under heaven, teach me what You want me know. May I stand true to my prayer to not be a contridiction in what I say and what I do. In my life Lord, be glorified.

One Day at a Time

The long first day is over, And God’s hand guided us ~ we had very little waiting or trouble finding our way. The port installation was first. It was a little more intense than I had thought, with two incisions, wires, tubes, anesthesia… took about two hours. We had time for a meal afterwards (no food or drink since midnight) before going to the AZ Cancer Center to put the port to use. I had blood taken – via the new port - no more needles – and then went upstairs for chemo. My chemo RN has a background in holistic medicine, we felt a God-wink there! I was given pre-meds in a drip to combat nausea, etc, and lots of paperwork on possible side-effects. Finally I got a little purse with a battery operated chemo pump that hooks right into the port and administers a shot of chemo at one minute intervals. I will tote it with me for four complete days, returning it Friday at 2:00.

After a rest on the couch at home, I returned to UMC for my first radiation treatment at 6PM. It is painless and takes about ½ hour after set up. I will go there 5/days/week for the next 5-6 weeks. My right collar bone and chest area is tender, but other than that I feel okay.

Deb spent the entire day fasting and praying. My journey has spiraled out and her spiritual journey has become something remarkable in itself.

“In our lives, Lord, be glorified, be glorified today!”

Thank You, Lord God, for holding my hand and guiding with Your Almighty hand with foreknowing, determining and directing – All Things for Good. – Amen.

Peace Plan...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6,7

It's finally the night before I begin my treatments, my day tomorrow will be very long. Mom will accompany me. Paul downloaded a book for me onto a CD so I can occupy my mind during long waits and unpleasantries. I am surrounded by people who are praying for me which is comforting. My prayer is that I will be patient with both myself and those who are helping me, that God's peace will fill me and radiate from me, that I will remember moment by moment that I am not a victim but victorious because of my faith. I don't hope God is in control. I know He is. Now, may I be a worthy vessel of His love, letting it flow in to comfort me and flow out to comfort those around me.

5/5 ~ 5:5 ~ I Can Only Imagine

Cinco de Mayo...

I have been searching scripture today in a silly way ~ looking for a pertinent 5th verse in the 5th chapter ~ somewhere~ that would speak to me. Here is II Corinthians 5:5

"Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God,

who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee."

Paul is talking about the guarantee that our earthly bodies are temporary but our home with God is eternal ~

"while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord." vs. 6

It's tough not to get too comfortable in our bodies ~ to not be frightened of the pain/discomfort of its' slow deterioration. Ch 5 finishes with my word from yesterday, confidence -

"we are confident , yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body

and to be present with the Lord."

Yes, I say, but not yet, I still haven't 'got it'! The concept is still unclear and I am reminded of one of my favorite songs by the group Mercy Me - "I Can Only Imagine". I looked up the lyrics on the internet, here they are:

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk By Your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When Your face Is before me

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still

Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

When that day comes

And I find myself

Standing in the Son

I can only imagine

When all I will do Is forever

Forever worship You

I can only imagine

Confidence

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."

~ I John 5: 14

The word confidence brings me comfort ~ confidence in Christ, not in myself. This is the true way to peace ~ not having to control everything, including people or circumstances. I am where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. And by putting my life in God's hands, everyday, I am free from worry, free to love and on the road to wellness. I am beginning to understand that confidence and freedom are the opposite of worldliness and sickness. This is what I am supposed to be learning: To breathe in His plan and to exhale mine. Oh, that feels so good!

Joy

"In the day of prosperity be joyful,

But in the day of adversity consider:

Surely God has appointed one as well as the other."

Ecc. 7:14

I have had so many joyous days in my life - they SO outnumber the days of adversity! Even amid this ailment I find such joy ~ the sun shining warm on my back ~ the roses I cut this morning ~ the birds chirping ~ an email from my cousin Jeff ~ fresh squeezed pink grapefruit juice ~ lady golfers in the distance ~ Christian music on the radio ~ craft projects I am about to begin ~ Zander's affection ~ anticipation of my golf course job ~ dreaming of decorating my new house ~ Now, that's the way to begin my day!! Thank You, Lord for the abundant joys in my life! May every breath I take today be a realization that life IS good and to You be the glory! ~Amen.

Pressin' On ~

As I sit outside on yet another beautiful morning, I struggle with discomfort - "the thing" has become such a presence, there are few moments now, when it can be forgotten/ignored. I remind myself that there are so many people who live in constant discomfort and immobility, so much worse than me. Also, that "this too shall pass" - this is a small chapter in a life of almost 50 years and treatment will be starting soon... Deb said yesterday that I will probably have a great sense of relief once treatment has started and I think she is right! As I read in Philippians a few minutes ago, Paul wrote: "I have learned in whatever state I am to be content." (4:11) and then he says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (4:13) So, not by my own bravery or toughness or wisdom, but through Christ do I press forward with hope and confidence and the belief that 'all things are happening with perfection'.

Looking Upward

"I will lift my eyes to the hills-

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121

**********

Today I meet with Dr. Ahn, an oncologist- the one who will set up the chemotherapy. Lord, please work through him and guide him so my treatment is specific to my needs. I am trusting You with these grand things that I have no control over. Help me to be calm and receptive, to ask intelligent questions and retain the answers. Fill me with Your peace. Thank You that I have the opportunity to utilize the best health care providers, that finances are not an issue to worry over. Thank You for my hand-holder and my prayer-warriors. Thank You for the love of the Sunsites community towards me, for my home, for sunshine, for my heart change towards Dr.s. I believe thankfulness is a precursor to wellness, both physically and spiritually.

**********

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day." II Cor. 4:16