One door closes and another one opens....

"Oh keep my soul and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait on You."

- Psalm 25:20,21

I probably will not continue this blogspot now that I am done with the radiation and believe I am healed. I will have the port removed on July 3rd and a final check up. I am hoping to find a new integrative physician to do follow up exams and will continue my promise to take care of myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. Thank you all my prayer warriors for reading my blog and sharing in prayer and in my journey. I will continue adding to my original blogspot... http://desertfishinn.blogspot.com/ if you like checking up on what's happening with me :) My new job at the golf course looks like its going to require lots of prayer and patience. Perhaps I am not meant to do it? I am committed to the month of July and will ask God to lead me and guide me. He has a plan and I desire the peace He provides when I live in accordance with His will.

His Way at the Workplace

I was restless last night, my mind milling over the people/personalities at the golf course. Lord, use me to bring peace and your wisdom to my new workplace. Help me to not get sucked into bad mouthing other employees and show me how to deal with that situation in others ~ show me the higher ground.

"Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles." - Proverbs 21:23

New Found Energy

I had a wonderful day today! I am definitely healing! I took Zander for an early walk and watched the sunrise out in the desert, I worked in the pro shop for a couple hours, got a lot done around the house, and even chipped golf balls up and down the 18th fairway this evening. Hallelujia!

Happy Birthday, Lyndee Michelle !

Today is Lyndee's 21st birthday. I wish I could hug her in person, she gives the best hugs. She is in Bend today sharing her day with friends. I am sure she will brighten the day of whoever she is with ~ somehow she always seems to do that.

He Knows

"For your Father in heaven knows the things you have need of

before you ask Him." - Matthew 6:8

With this sunset came a healing peace for me tonight. A neighbor brought me over dinner and I feel God around me and working through people to comfort me. It was a restful and healing day and I am thankful.

A Work in Progress

"As Christians we know in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all the seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character."

~Hannah Hurnard

~::~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~

And Downward I Go... Again :(

Radiation seems to have taken its final toll on my body ~ I won't describe the disgusting symptoms, but I sure could use prayer for healing!

"...Pray for one another that you may be healed. The efffective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." - James 5:16

A Future and a Hope

I met with Dr Cohen last night and my new final radiation treatment date is this Thursday! Mom and I both were tearful as we realized we really are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. There was a huge, beautiful rainbow across the horizon when we got home, a wonderful confirmation of His goodness. Again, I was brought to tears and standing by myself in the driveway, I hollered out "Thank You, Lord!" In the book of Ruth, after journeying to another country and losing her husband and sons, Naomi tells people to call her by a different name (Mara) as she was a changed person. I kind of feel like that, too, that I have undergone an enormous transformation through my journey, and I am now a different person. I won't be changing my name~ but I hope a new light will be visible shining through me.

:":":":":":":":":
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find me,when you search for me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

Reaching forward by letting go of the past

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Phil. 3:13,14

~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~

This scripture reminded me that I still have "stuff" that I need to release to Him... this was my journal entry this morning:

Lord, help me to forgive myself for wrong attitudes I have harbored in the past. 'Create in me a clean heart, O God'. I pray for peace with my life in Dayville ~ may our Inn sell and may we leave there knowing we made it a better place. Help me to let go of my resentment with RW and the City Council ~ free me from the bondage of feeling wronged. Thank You for the assurance of victory!

~**~*~*~*~*~**~

Unselfish Love

Mom, Paul and I attended church in Sunsites today and the two of them tended to my weeds and my roses and my irrigation system (while I watched golf on TV!). What a blessing they have been to me. I have certainly disrupted their lives but they never seem put out. This chapter of my life has been so much more bearable because of their unselfish love for me. My sister, Debbie, and I agreed a while back that this journey of mine was not just about me and not just about the tumor. There's a whole lot of healing going on!

~~~~~~~~~

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

- Romans 8:28

The Place to Be

"The safest place to be

is in the center of God's will." -LFS

=*=*=*=*=

I met with Dr. Cohen tonight and she was amazed at how good I look and she told me I am doing better than most who undergo this. I am confident that this is because of these factors : My faith, my healthy diet, a peaceful & healing environment, prayers from so many people, thankfulness, and finally the knowledge that all things are indeed happening with perfection, according to His plan.

Feeling good!

Just wanted to share real quick that I felt really good all day yesterday ~ didn't even need to take a nap! I went to a salon and had my hair cut and to Target for a couple new skirts:) And, this morning I feel good too! I am about to leave to pick Mary O'Brien up at the airport. I'm smiling, can you feel it?

<>< ** ><>

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." -Matthew 7:7,8

His will revealed :)

If you have been keeping up with my blogs, you will know I have been desperate to know about God's will for me through this journey (Crumbs for Thought, May 15th)... and amazing grace, He answered me today! In two of my devotionals and then through a phone conversation with a dear friend.

Oswald Chambers said:

"God is the source of your will, therefore you are able to work out His will.

* * *

God not only expects me to do His will, but He is in me to do it."

* * *

Lucille Fern Sollenberger wrote:

"When we learn what the Bible says about God's will and we are willing to obey it, God will guide us when we ask Him."

* *

and as my Psalm reading from this morning said 'I heard you, Denise'..:

"For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping."

* * *

God's will for me, at this point in my life, is to write and to seek Him and to share my journey. Whether I suffer, whether He chooses to heal me, is still unknown. It is just a wonderful thing to know in my soul that He is using me and guiding me today, He is the source of my will ~ ooh I love that!

Lots of questions

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King and my God, for to You I will pray. My voice You shall hear in the morning O Lord; in the morning I will direct it to You, and I will look up." -Psalm 5:1-3

*~*~*~*

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." -I Peter 5:6,7

~*~*~*~*~*~

There are times when I question my own faith, I wonder if God thinks I am transparent, do I seek Him with selfish motives? {heal me, save me, hear me} Don't we all seek Him with selfish motives? ... the desire to live eternally, can't get more selfish than that! Nevertheless, I will continue to look up, continue to dig into His word, continue to try and understand His will for me ~ what else do I have? I cannot save myself physically or spiritually. My faith is a choice and I choose to believe that He cares for me and in due time He will reveal all that I so desire to know.

~*~*~*~*~*~

This post is proof that I have too much thinking time!

Prayer for endurance

"Therefore do not cast away your confidence which has great reward.

For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise. " -Hebrews 10:35,36

***

(And the promise is...)

***

"For He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." -Hebrews 13:5

****

Oh Lord!, I have need of both endurance and confidence today! I am so, so tired of feeling bad physically and feeling spent emotionally. Renew me, Father. I cry out to You. -(this morning's journal entry)

***

My prayer during radiation tonight was for a new glimpse of God's divine plan in this unpleasant phase of my life. I try to remind myself 'all things for good' but I need my confidence renewed to help me hang on with the necessary endurance. Someday I hope to hear Him say "well done" and not "You took the long way home."

Releasing via my fingers...

I really just felt crappy all day, up for an hour, down for two... I have a rash over a lot of my body even my arms and ankles!... and, abdominal pain, and this stupid port just aches and aches, I am so weak I leave a trail of dishes and clothes and hope I will feel like cleaning up after myself before I have to head back to Tucson tomorrow. Poor Zander, he comes to my bedside all excited with a shoe in his mouth hoping this time will be the magic one and I will get up and take him for a walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm hanging in there, just needed to vent.

"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good..."

(a song currently playing on the radio)

home

I am in Sunsites, had a peaceful day, lots of napping while watching golf on TV... sure love it here.

Mercy 2 Me

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." -Psalm 100:4,5

This Psalm came to me while I was lying on the radiation table tonight. It is one of the first scriptures I memorized as a new Christian twenty years ago. When we started having Thanksgiving dinners at our Valley Center home, I wrote it on notecards and placed them on the table. I still have one of the original notecards and I put it out every Thanksgiving. It is written in black magic marker on a lined notecard, not very attractive, but very sentimental. Anyway, tonight it came to me because of the line " for the Lord is good, His mercy is everlasting.." I had just met with a new Dr, filling in for my regular one who is on vacation. We immediately 'clicked' ~I asked her tons of questions and her honest answers gave me a great sense of peace. She was God's mercy in human form.

Treatment went so fast, I was bubbling with thankfulness inside. Afterwards, we went out for a great sushi dinner. As we left the restaurant and walked out into the warm Arizona evening, a full moon was coming up from behind the Rincon mountains.... awesome! He was whispering to me again ~ "It's going to be okay, Denise, keep trusting Me."

Day 17, Over the Hump Day

Thank You, Lord for another day to get it right, to grow in You,

to give thanks for the small things...

Lovingkindness

"Hear my voice according to Your lovingkindness; O Lord revive me according to Your justice." - Psalm 119:149

I had a much better day today, the roller coaster is inching back up. This pattern is at least getting consistent and I know for each couple of bad days, and a big dose of crying out, a good day usually follows. Thank you my dear family and friends for lifting me up to the Lord when I am too weak.

Not liking the ride

One day just blurs into the next, I accomplish nothing, oh if I could just sleep until this chapter of my life is over. I would like to say I am growing close to God and I feel His presence, that He is leading and guiding me... fact is I force myself to read my devotionals in the morning and my journalling is a line here and there and I am questioning and doubting. I am skinny, my hair is thinning and my lips are pasty. I spent 90% of my day today in bed either watching TV or sleeping, the other 10% running to the bathroom. Oh life, oh life where have you gone? Losing my positive outlook is the worst side effect of all. In my mind I know this is just a small chapter in my life and I will get through it, the rest of me is screaming this is never ending and I don't have the will or the stamina. I never have liked roller coasters... let me off Lord, please, let me off.

Meditation Homework

I had another rough day today, my poor little body... it is hard to be so lifeless and useless and deal with such a multiude of unpleasant symptoms and still keep a positive attitude. After I read the following scripture tonight I made it my homework. I looked up the definition (in parenthesis) of each 'thing' to meditate on, and then I defined in red how it applies to me. Now the trick is how to take it from here and apply it when I am burning, itching, cramping and feeling sorry for myself.

Meditate on These Things
- Phil. 4:8
“Finally brethren, whatever things are true (factual, accurate)
God has a plan, He loves me, I will be with Him eternally no matter what happens to my physical body now.
Whatever things are noble (dignified, gracious, righteous)
He is.
Whatever things are just (fair)
He rewards those who diligently seek Him.
Whatever things are pure (wholesome)
LOVE
Whatever things are lovely (pleasant)
Hugs and massages from Lyndee
Whatever things are of good report
This too shall pass.
If there is any virtue (desirable quality)
Tenderness, understanding, compassion
And if there is anything praiseworthy (commendable)
His love endures forever
Meditate on these things.”

I'll try!

-Amen!

Raised up

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him. To all who call upon Him in truth." - Psalm 145:18

*******

"If we think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts, we think rightly....Prayer is not an exercise, it is the life." - Oswald Chambers

********

I am happy to report I have renewed physical and spiritual strength today. I attended Lyndee's graduation from massage therapy school last night. She is a delight and I am so proud of her. Jessica delivered Madilyn Michelle at 2:57 this morning and this too is a joy! I don't have radiation now until Tuesday night at 6pm so four days to rest and regenerate. I am at Mark and Deb's beautiful home in Mesa and Lyndee is going to give me a massage this afternoon.

*********

"The Lord upholds all who fall, And raises up all those who are bowed down." - Psalm 145:14

Amen!

Better Day

Not much else to say...

Nasty Disposition :(

I am just gonna do it, write how I really feel right now... like the whole world is just going on as usual and my world has come to a complete, lonely halt. No one calls me or emails me ~ ('cept you Marjie) it's like I have the plague, and I am sure it's not that at all, you just have a life and I have mine, and mine just happens to really suck right now. I am stuck in the middle of my worse nightmare. I have no control over anything, including my wellness and including my mind, I tell myself to think positive and to count my blessings but in the dark recesses, it whispers back to me you must have really done something bad and you are getting what you deserve. Where are you now my God? Where are You when I am too depressed to read Your word? I feel guilty right now for crying for feeling sorry for myself. I hear Dr Ahn saying "if you have to have cancer this is the best one to have, it's the easiest to cure"... but why do I have to have that stupid C word in my life? I don't want it! I don't want that label! I don't want to be tough and don't want to wear a stupid pink ribbon or act courageous. If this is a test, I fail, If this is a race I'm running out of the energy to finish, just go on life, go on ~ I don't remember what it's like to wake up with vitality and looking forward to my day, I wake up going sh__, I am not even half way done with this, how on earth am I going to do it? My little body is frail and my will power is even frailer. I miss Mike so much right now, I need him to hold me. I've never needed a hug more than I do right now, guess that strong willed and self reliant spirit has been broken. Now what, God?

Easier said than done!

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

"Do not be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Jesus Christ." -Philippians 4:6,7

A whisper in the breeze

I am praying tonight for someone I have never met, I don't even know her name. I came upon her blog last night. It was linked to the word Dayville because her husband died a year ago in a helicopter crash while logging just outside of town. The logging crew was staying at our place and we hadn't met this pilot, he was just filling in so the regular pilot could have a rest. This women writes anonymously and she is so deep in grief it is really heart wrenching. Her blog address is http://bluleader.blogspot.com if you care to visit it and pray for her too.

Thanks for caring enough about me to visit my blog and pray for me. I really am doing okay ~ the days are long as I don't have a job or purpose and I am not used to that ~ I certainly am fortunate to have such a beautiful place to stay, so close to treatment and nestled in the foothills of the most awesome mountain range, the Catalina's. I was just outside looking at the city lights with a warm desert breeze blowing on me, it seemed to be saying "everything is going to be okay, breathe and believe."

Give Thanks

"It so amazes me how God has orchestrated that one of the toughest times of my life be filled with such rich blessings at the same time." -me

That is a line from a thank you card I wrote tonight to a lovely women that sits behind me in church in Sunsites. She has given me gifts and lots of hugs and offered to cook for me and has just made me feel so welcome.

Mom and Paul accompanied me to Sunsites and church today and it was a lovely day. I feel quite well and I know I am redundant, but I am so thankful. As I was walking back here to my room, I was thinking about my kids, Dane is buying his first house, he is happy and responsible... Lyndee graduates this week from massage therapy school ~ she is passionate about it and great at it!... Mike is handling the Inn so well and never makes me feel like he is being put out to have to do it by himself. These things are all such blessings and make my healing journey as stress free as it could possibly be.

"Give thanks with a grateful heart, give thanks to the Holy One, give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ His son. And now let the weak say I am strong, let the poor say I am rich because of what the Lord has done for us. Give thanks."

Salty :{

"There is only one way to develop spritiually, and that is by concentration on God...pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water." -Oswald Chambers

I was very short with the nurse and Dr. Cohen tonight during a quick exam before my radiation treatment. I ask so many questions and I answer theirs in a tone that implies "you don't really want to know, you are just filling in the blanks.." I just am so distrusting. They are always so quick to want to perscribe things to cover symptoms. I hate the poisoning of the chemo and don't want any other chemicals in me if I can possibly avoid it. Dr. Cohen is very patient with me :) Once on the treatment table and in prayer mode I found myself anxious and regretful for my attitude and it hindered my peaceful prayer time. I know a positive attitude will assist my healing and an anxious one is counter-productive :( I would have to say that my "living water" was a bit salty tonight if it even flowed at all.... and the refining process continues....

"But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similtude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring can yield both salt water and fresh." -James 3:8-12

If you want to capture someones attention.....

"In the day when I cried out, You answered me,

And made me bold with strength in my soul." -Psalm 138:3

I wonder what the people I've encountered lately think of my boldness for the Lord? I told the radiation girls that I use my time lying there to pray. It is really much more important to let my actions speak, rather than my words. People believe what you do much more than what you say. Proverbs says "a word spoken in due season, how good it is" I have penciled in the margin "timing". I pray this evening that the 'strength in my soul' that wants to shout from the mountain tops, will instead be a soft and wise voice that is listening for God's timing.

Thankfulness = Wellness

I had a very good day today and I am so very thankful ...

Crumbs for thought

"We are here to submit to God's will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured out wine to feed and nourish others." -Oswald Chambers

One has to wonder why God gives us such strong wills when He desires that we submit to His will? There is certainly no one line answer to that question. Back when I was 19 and in a body cast and recovering from that face smashing, I started journalling and asking "why me?" I knew, somewhere deep within me, that there was a silver lining, a purpose, that I would perhaps become more compassionate. He was beginning the process of making me into "broken bread" even though I had no relationship with Him yet. I remained strong willed and self reliant, but as I look back it was His first tapping on my heart... (perhaps a few crumbs?) I trust that if you are reading this you already know my story of salvation ten years later when Doreen died. I began an earnest relationship with God then, and over the last 20 years I have wanted to feed and nourish others, but I've remained strong willed and self reliant. Some might say these are admirable qualities, I sure thought they were. Tonight I see things differently. My prayer is that my heart is open to God's will, that He will reveal Himself to me and through me. If I appear strong let it be because of Him. There is a song about being 'broken and beautiful', I think I am beginning to grasp the meaning.

Week two begins

We are back in Tucson, had my 6 pm radiation treatment. Not sure what to write about tonight, guess I will share the prayer I wrote in my journal this morning...

"Lord, help me to seek You in a right and fitting manner, to be able to know Your voice when You speak and to learn and to grow. Please help squelch my fear of physical discomfort - teach me how to release myself to You entirely." -Amen.

I feel a bit better physically tonight, my mouth is my biggest discomfort ~ on the flip side of that, I am feeling thankful and peaceful and loved.

Refining tears

I didn't do my usual daily reading and Bible study today. We did go to church, which I pretty much cried through. I had been holding in a really good cry, not realizing that I expected to sail through this with dignity and grace because I am fit and I am tough and I trust God and I, I, I... I yi yi yi..... ! Reality check! I hate feeling weak and out of control of my own destiny, I hate people to see me as sick and I hate being pitied. But, reality check #2... It feels really good to have people love me and when I am weak, then He is strong and He wants me to know this and live it, not say I know it. And the refining process continues.....

Resting

"Life's challenges are not designed to break us but to bend us toward God."

We are back in Sunsites, feels good to be home. I have been laying low, little energy, kind of thought I was going to feel better than this... got the grass and roses watered and watched golf on TV that's about the extent of my day. Deb takes Zander for his walks and waits on me :) Dane sent me a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day and they were waiting for me here, as was a big stack of bills. Hugs and thanks to you for reading my blog and continuing to lift me in prayer.

Physical Step, Spiritual Step

"For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." -Matt. 6:8

One week down! And I now have until 6 PM Monday without any treatment :) A chance for my body to regroup a little. I look forward to not feeling the chemo in my body; the taste in my mouth, the funny feeling in my lungs... I suppose the general feeling of being tired will continue throughout treatment, but the other side effects now will be localized to the area. I felt wasteful going out to dinner and then not eating my meal tonight :( I do feel fortunate to have had the energy to go. I am learning to use my radiation time as prayer time. One can say "I'll pray about it" and that is the prayer ~ that line. I decided a few years ago that I wasn't going to say that and then not pray. I usually write my prayer requests in my journal but this is teaching me to methodically and patiently lift people and situations to God and to stay focused. This must be a part of His plan for my growth. As the scripture above says, He already knows... it's my heart and mind coming into union with Him that He wants.

No Words

"When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to 'be strong.' Just 'be still, and know that [He is] God.' And know that he will sustain you and bring you through the fire. God reserves His best medicine for our times of deepest despair." -Streams in the Desert pg. 188

I had to totally go to that frame of mind yesterday and just give every ounce of myself to God, let Him hold me... I was as close as I have ever been to 'my deepest despair'... I don't think I even believed He could or would bring me through it, I had no where else to turn! I fell asleep last night doubting I could endure, I remember just trying relax in His arms and breathe, I had no words for prayer.

I awoke this morning feeling a little hopeful and as the day progressed I have increasingly felt stronger. I get rid of the chemo pump tomorrow. Lyndee is here and Deb and Mom and Paul have been the best prayer warriors and care givers. I realize this is just the beginning of a long battle and more struggles will come, but I made it through this one and I know where to turn when even the words are gone.

"If God brings you to it,

He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God."

Valleys Connect Mountains

How is my faith when I am in the valley? Will I continue to praise You and seek You and trust that this is Your plan for me, Lord? It's hard to believe I became so helpless and debilitated in just three days. I feel the poisoning effects of the chemo and not the healing effects, it's hard to see the big picture at this point. I want to believe this is the right way to go but with every pump I hear of the chemo, my body literally cringes, my heart beat becomes irregular, my breathing labored, my head hurts, even my teeth hurt, I am light headed and the list goes on. I understand the zapping of the tumor with the radiation but this chemical killing the strong parts of me just doesn't feel right! Oh Lord You have prepared me for months for this, I cry out to You now to show me a glimpse of the plan, to give me wisdom to remain strong. to see the light at the end of the tunnel, not to fear the tunnel, or how long and dark the tunnel may be. My journal entry yesterday was "Everything Has It's Time" Ecc. 3: 1-8 ... I won't type it all out but it starts with "To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven..." Use this season in my life, Lord, for Your purpose under heaven, teach me what You want me know. May I stand true to my prayer to not be a contridiction in what I say and what I do. In my life Lord, be glorified.

One Day at a Time

The long first day is over, And God’s hand guided us ~ we had very little waiting or trouble finding our way. The port installation was first. It was a little more intense than I had thought, with two incisions, wires, tubes, anesthesia… took about two hours. We had time for a meal afterwards (no food or drink since midnight) before going to the AZ Cancer Center to put the port to use. I had blood taken – via the new port - no more needles – and then went upstairs for chemo. My chemo RN has a background in holistic medicine, we felt a God-wink there! I was given pre-meds in a drip to combat nausea, etc, and lots of paperwork on possible side-effects. Finally I got a little purse with a battery operated chemo pump that hooks right into the port and administers a shot of chemo at one minute intervals. I will tote it with me for four complete days, returning it Friday at 2:00.

After a rest on the couch at home, I returned to UMC for my first radiation treatment at 6PM. It is painless and takes about ½ hour after set up. I will go there 5/days/week for the next 5-6 weeks. My right collar bone and chest area is tender, but other than that I feel okay.

Deb spent the entire day fasting and praying. My journey has spiraled out and her spiritual journey has become something remarkable in itself.

“In our lives, Lord, be glorified, be glorified today!”

Thank You, Lord God, for holding my hand and guiding with Your Almighty hand with foreknowing, determining and directing – All Things for Good. – Amen.

Peace Plan...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6,7

It's finally the night before I begin my treatments, my day tomorrow will be very long. Mom will accompany me. Paul downloaded a book for me onto a CD so I can occupy my mind during long waits and unpleasantries. I am surrounded by people who are praying for me which is comforting. My prayer is that I will be patient with both myself and those who are helping me, that God's peace will fill me and radiate from me, that I will remember moment by moment that I am not a victim but victorious because of my faith. I don't hope God is in control. I know He is. Now, may I be a worthy vessel of His love, letting it flow in to comfort me and flow out to comfort those around me.

5/5 ~ 5:5 ~ I Can Only Imagine

Cinco de Mayo...

I have been searching scripture today in a silly way ~ looking for a pertinent 5th verse in the 5th chapter ~ somewhere~ that would speak to me. Here is II Corinthians 5:5

"Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God,

who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee."

Paul is talking about the guarantee that our earthly bodies are temporary but our home with God is eternal ~

"while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord." vs. 6

It's tough not to get too comfortable in our bodies ~ to not be frightened of the pain/discomfort of its' slow deterioration. Ch 5 finishes with my word from yesterday, confidence -

"we are confident , yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body

and to be present with the Lord."

Yes, I say, but not yet, I still haven't 'got it'! The concept is still unclear and I am reminded of one of my favorite songs by the group Mercy Me - "I Can Only Imagine". I looked up the lyrics on the internet, here they are:

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk By Your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When Your face Is before me

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still

Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

When that day comes

And I find myself

Standing in the Son

I can only imagine

When all I will do Is forever

Forever worship You

I can only imagine

Confidence

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."

~ I John 5: 14

The word confidence brings me comfort ~ confidence in Christ, not in myself. This is the true way to peace ~ not having to control everything, including people or circumstances. I am where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. And by putting my life in God's hands, everyday, I am free from worry, free to love and on the road to wellness. I am beginning to understand that confidence and freedom are the opposite of worldliness and sickness. This is what I am supposed to be learning: To breathe in His plan and to exhale mine. Oh, that feels so good!

Joy

"In the day of prosperity be joyful,

But in the day of adversity consider:

Surely God has appointed one as well as the other."

Ecc. 7:14

I have had so many joyous days in my life - they SO outnumber the days of adversity! Even amid this ailment I find such joy ~ the sun shining warm on my back ~ the roses I cut this morning ~ the birds chirping ~ an email from my cousin Jeff ~ fresh squeezed pink grapefruit juice ~ lady golfers in the distance ~ Christian music on the radio ~ craft projects I am about to begin ~ Zander's affection ~ anticipation of my golf course job ~ dreaming of decorating my new house ~ Now, that's the way to begin my day!! Thank You, Lord for the abundant joys in my life! May every breath I take today be a realization that life IS good and to You be the glory! ~Amen.

Pressin' On ~

As I sit outside on yet another beautiful morning, I struggle with discomfort - "the thing" has become such a presence, there are few moments now, when it can be forgotten/ignored. I remind myself that there are so many people who live in constant discomfort and immobility, so much worse than me. Also, that "this too shall pass" - this is a small chapter in a life of almost 50 years and treatment will be starting soon... Deb said yesterday that I will probably have a great sense of relief once treatment has started and I think she is right! As I read in Philippians a few minutes ago, Paul wrote: "I have learned in whatever state I am to be content." (4:11) and then he says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (4:13) So, not by my own bravery or toughness or wisdom, but through Christ do I press forward with hope and confidence and the belief that 'all things are happening with perfection'.

Looking Upward

"I will lift my eyes to the hills-

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121

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Today I meet with Dr. Ahn, an oncologist- the one who will set up the chemotherapy. Lord, please work through him and guide him so my treatment is specific to my needs. I am trusting You with these grand things that I have no control over. Help me to be calm and receptive, to ask intelligent questions and retain the answers. Fill me with Your peace. Thank You that I have the opportunity to utilize the best health care providers, that finances are not an issue to worry over. Thank You for my hand-holder and my prayer-warriors. Thank You for the love of the Sunsites community towards me, for my home, for sunshine, for my heart change towards Dr.s. I believe thankfulness is a precursor to wellness, both physically and spiritually.

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"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day." II Cor. 4:16

Gracious Uncertainty

I enjoyed the praise and fellowship and hearing God's word in church today. I think there must be healing power in singing old hymns. I am just craving them. Deb said the songs came back to her from her youth in the Baptist Church. It is a blessing to have a friend that is craving the Lord with the same intense passion as I am. We reminisced today about how we met - literally running into each other on 4th of July at least ten years ago. God has been so patient with both of us. We both have been seeking Him for so many years, but our growth was slow as we always had one foot stuck in the muck! Oh, what a continuous strong pull and strong washing it has taken from the Lord... but we see progress and we are both so thankful for His faithfulness and for a friendship that is based around Him.

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"...gracious uncertainty is the mark of a spiritual life. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. ...when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy... leave the whole thing to Him, it is uncertain how He will come in, be He will come. Remain loyal to Him." -Oswald Chambers

I am so grateful, Lord, that You are standing with me in the fire. I continue to stand firm and know that You deliver me IN my troubles, not FROM my troubles. I have confidence in Your power and in Your plan. - Amen.

"How great are His signs,

And how mighty His wonders!

His Kingdom is an everlasting Kingdom,

and His dominion is from generation to generation."

~ Daniel 4:3

Son-shine in Sunsites

"God never gives us anything accidental.. There is nothing easier than getting into a right relationship with God except when it is not God Whom you want but only what He gives." -Oswald Chambers

Am I seeking You, Lord, with a pure heart? Do I seek You with selfish motives?

"Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory now and forever." II Peter 3:18

Selfishness is a human characteristic and especially an American attitude. I know in my own wisdom I am unable to change, but as I read Your wise words, Lord, in Proverbs, in Job, I sense You transforming my selfish nature and gently infusing Your self into my self. Thank You. With an attitude of gratitude. - Amen.

Who Floats Your Boat?

"Who (or what) shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall it be tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?" Romans 8:35

Not only will tribulation not separate us from God's love, it will reveal the depth of it. I was fearful of this truth! I thought life without tribulation would be preferable. I wanted smooth sailing, with my self at the helm. Oh God, I acknowledged that You were the water but I wanted to be the boat (float on my own strength) and I also wanted to be the captain (steer life in my chosen direction). Aah, but You, through this tribulation,have shown me a better way! To let You... be the wind which directs me.... the vessel that keeps me from sinking and the vast ocean that surrounds me with wisdom and power!

I pray this morning for your wisdom and healing power to be extended to Jacy. Help her to come to you in her tribulation. Guide Deb and the Dr.s ~ with the right words, the right diagnosis and peace. Thank You for Your growth, Your plan, for us all. ~Amen.

Morning by morning, new mercies I see....

April 25th -

Great is thy faithfulness, Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All that I needeth thy hand hath provided,
Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me.

I couldn't help by sing this on my run this morning!

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous: Yes, our Lord is merciful." Psalm 116:5

"Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have seen the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord (He has a plan!) - that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful." - James 5:11

My prayer this morning is first and foremost one of thankfulness. There is no conveying in words how filled I am with newness, refreshment, hope, and yes, even vitality this morning. This can only be from You, Lord - the peace that passes all understanding.

Guide me today as I search for holistic ways to boost my white blood cell count and be pro-active in preparation for treatment. I was trying to force action from my health care providers yesterday and only became frustrated. So, today, I pray I will not be over-looked by them and I trust Your leading in the setting up of appointments. I give it to You, as with Job, You have a plan.

With a grateful heart, this child of Yours says... Amen!

April 24th -

"Pray that your life will reveal what you believe about Christ." -LFS

It's mid-day - I was so excited at Your leading, Lord, to share my journal that I spent a long time 'blogging' this morning. I awoke with such a newness and hope this morning - I felt Your renewing of my spirit, even though my physical body seems toxic after the exam yesterday. This twinge of anger at the Dr, I give over to You, as I renew my oath to let go and to trust You -that You are in control of my wellness. Grant me wisdom in my role in keeping my body prepared for the upcoming treatments. Chase away any fear and replace it with wisdom.

Thank You for the prayers from my loved ones - I feel them and it is so wonderful to know I am loved. May I be a gracious recipient and learn to comfort others with the comfort with which I have been given. Amen.

Happy Birthday Dane!

April 23, 2007

"May my affliction always result in the growth that You have planned for me, Lord." -LFS

O' Lord, what should I have learned today? It was intense digesting the radiology visit. This chapter of my life seems surreal and only because of the peace You have infused in me am I able to digest it without fleeing. The reality is that my time on earth grows shorter every moment and the depth of my experience is more important than the length. Grant me the wisdom to be patient and gracious, to ask wise questions but to trust that You have placed me in competent hands and that You are leading and guiding with my best interest. Help me to know when to push and when to let go - when to be tough and when to cry out to You. Remind me, Father, that all things are happening according to Your divine plan. May the peace that I feel, the knowledge of You radiate to Mom, Paul, Marjie, Deb, Debbie, Mike, Dane, Lyndee, Betty, Shirley and all the health care people I meet. -Amen.

"God observes the different temperaments of men and knows what will work most effectually. God does not deal alike with all. If God does not give you that which you like, He will give you that which you need. " ~All Things for Good p. 52

"This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long!"

To my beloved prayer warriors,... I want you to know~ without a doubt~ that you needn't worry about me only to pray with me and grow with me as I continue on my path to wellness and wholeness. As you all know, I journal every day and with renewed commitment since I found this tumor back in December. Last night I decided to share my prayer journal with you in hopes it will reveal a part of me. I am going to start by sharing four journal entries, written on the 19th of the month, from December until now, in hopes you will see God growing me. (Tons more happened between these writings, but I won't bore you with them all!)

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December 19, 2006...

"Today's message from Lucille Fern Sollenberger is titled 'Nothing is Impossible'. She challenged me to 'pray for faith to submit to God's will, whatever the cost.' Thank you, Lord, for Oswald Chambers and LFS, who lead me and teach me about You. I am going to take baby steps in dealing with this ailment, always seeking peace from you in every step. You will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it. I am putting this little body I have been blessed with entirely in Your loving hands. I am committed to taking care of it both nutritionally and spiritually and letting go of those things that cause my internal anguish. I am giving them to you, laying them at Your feet - by Your grace- so You can use me. I do not want to be a contradiction in what I say and what I do. Hold my hand, Lord, walk with me, dry my tears, fill me with Your knowledge, love, wellness. Thank You for the journey."

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January 19, 2007

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

"The fear (awe, reverence) of the Lord leads to life, And he who has it will abide in satisfaction: He will not be visited with evil" Proverbs 19:23

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." Galatians 5:1

"I pray this morning for confidence in my healing. Please Lord, remove my aches, grant me energy and guide my wellness."

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February 19, 2007

"Yesterday was a good day! ... filled with peace and contentedness and hope and the love of God abounded. The Sunsites Community Church was a blessing. Thank You, Lord! And then, a nice round of golf and a dinner of salmon tacos :)"

"Let Christ be magnified in your body - whether by life of death." Phil. 1:19

Take up the whole armor of God:

waist ~ truth

breastplate ~ righteousness

feet ~ gospel of peace

shield ~ faith

helmet ~ salvation

sword ~ spirit (word of God)

Pray always with perseverance ~ Speak boldly about the gospel"... - Eph. 6:11-20

"Let it be evident to everyone that your chains (afflictions) are in Christ - the circumstances of your life are for the furtherance of the gospel." Phil. 1:12 (paraphrased)

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March 19, 2007

"And all things, whatever you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matt. 21:22

"(If you have faith and do not doubt) 21:21

"if you have faith ... nothing will be impossible for you." Matt. 17:20

"with God, all things are possible." Matt. 19:26

"Lord God, You have shown me that You care about every detail of our lives! It is so awesome to see events and the meeting of people be so intricately woven to produce good, Your will! I trust You to have a hand in the sale of our Inn, in my job at the golf shop, in Lyndee's life, in my wellness, in Mike's salvation... Thank You, Lord!"

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April 19, 2007

"Now acquaint yourself with Him, and be at peace." Job 22:21

"He stirs up the sea with His power, And by His understanding He breaks up the storm. By His spirit He adorned the heavens. His hand pierced the fleeing serpent. Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways, And how small a whisper we hear of Him! But the thunder of His power who can understand?" Job 26:11-14

"I cannot understand the power of You, my God ~ from Your whisper in my heart to the arranging of events in my life."

"For Your mercy is great above the heavens, And Your truth reaches to the clouds." Psalm 108:4

Four months ago I would have been devastated at the thought of chemo and radiation and today I say 'let's get it started - let me fight so I may live' - so I may proclaim how marvelous are Your works, how gracious is Your compassion, how faithful You are to those who seek You! my cup runneth over - with gratitude - with longing to know You even more - with a desire to be Your light - with a knowledge that YOU ARE.... with peace!