Nasty Disposition :(

I am just gonna do it, write how I really feel right now... like the whole world is just going on as usual and my world has come to a complete, lonely halt. No one calls me or emails me ~ ('cept you Marjie) it's like I have the plague, and I am sure it's not that at all, you just have a life and I have mine, and mine just happens to really suck right now. I am stuck in the middle of my worse nightmare. I have no control over anything, including my wellness and including my mind, I tell myself to think positive and to count my blessings but in the dark recesses, it whispers back to me you must have really done something bad and you are getting what you deserve. Where are you now my God? Where are You when I am too depressed to read Your word? I feel guilty right now for crying for feeling sorry for myself. I hear Dr Ahn saying "if you have to have cancer this is the best one to have, it's the easiest to cure"... but why do I have to have that stupid C word in my life? I don't want it! I don't want that label! I don't want to be tough and don't want to wear a stupid pink ribbon or act courageous. If this is a test, I fail, If this is a race I'm running out of the energy to finish, just go on life, go on ~ I don't remember what it's like to wake up with vitality and looking forward to my day, I wake up going sh__, I am not even half way done with this, how on earth am I going to do it? My little body is frail and my will power is even frailer. I miss Mike so much right now, I need him to hold me. I've never needed a hug more than I do right now, guess that strong willed and self reliant spirit has been broken. Now what, God?